I'm just so grumpy all the time

So I don't know what it is recently, but I've been in this weird grumpfest for the past few weeks.  Yes, that is a word.  It's just been all the time I've been in the worst possible mood for days on end.  I honestly can't remember the last time I was truly happy and had a good day.  That's so weird.  I'm not like depressed or angry or anything to be worried about, but I'm literally on edge every second that I am awake, and that includes nights where I've woken up in the middle of the night and have been up for hours.

It seems like everything Riley does just agitates me and I can't even enjoy him playing without getting angry that he is having fun.  That's weird, right?  Shouldn't I love hearing him laugh and giggle?  Right now, it's just noise that is irritating.  He's the easiest baby in the world, and taking care of him is a joy.  Just not recently.  He's done nothing wrong except be a baby which isn't even wrong.  Same goes for the wife's voice.  Yes, I'm getting going to get in trouble for saying that, but the sound of her voice just frustrates me.

I honestly don't know what's going on.  Could it have stemmed from pulling out of Nationals and not having that to look forward to?  Even my long runs are dreaded because I know it's just me and the road and all I have with me is music and my thoughts.  My birthday was last week and even during that day, there was still something going on in my mind.  I was thinking back to last year and how I was racing that weekend and then I ran through the finish line with Riley and it was great.  That put me in a weird mood since I missed it and couldn't enjoy my birthday.

I know I'm thinking a lot about work and I'm stressed with that, but that can't be the only reason.  Maybe it's that time of the month for me.  Boys go through cycles don't we?

The one thing that it isn't affecting is my workouts.  Those have gone pretty well.  Considering Tri season just finished this past weekend and I am going to start Marathon season tomorrow, things will get a little more clearer with that.  but my bike rides have gone great and every run except for my long runs have gone great.

I don't know what it is but I need to get out of this funk and soon.  It's not good for anyone. There have been some good things the past few weeks to be happy about.  The wife had her first race, my birthday, some good things for work, and just normal every day things.  But I just can't get behind them and enjoy.

It's time to break out and get things moving in the right direction.

USAT Nationals and I'm missing out

It's going to be a tough weekend for me.  This weekend is the USAT Nationals in Milwaukee, and I was supposed to be competing in both the Olympic and Sprint races.  I actually qualified in October of last year and registered soon thereafter.  My main goal all offseason and this coming season was to compete in Nationals and earn a coveted spot on Team USA.  I just missed out 2 years ago on a spot, but that was when I didn't know any better.  For those who don't know about how that works, essentially the top 25 athletes in each Age Group earn a sport on Team USA and get to compete in the World Championships, this year being held in Chicago.  Last year, World's were in London..  Pretty cool right?

So I thought all season that I was going to be gunning for one of those spots.  However, life takes over and things get in the way.  I learned a lot this year so far about training and what I need to do to be successful, but that came at a cost.  The cost being not performing at my best at any race this season.  I learned my lesson about training for hills at the Rev3 Nationals, I learned my lesson about training and being able to push the pace during TriRock Philly, and I learned what I need to do to be successful in future races.  The problem with all of this is that I learned it too late.  For me to go out and compete in Nationals, I felt I needed to be competitive and be able to hold my own.  And truth be told, I haven't been all year.  This has been a very wasted year for me and one that I look forward to putting behind me.  Knowing that I wasn't going to be as competitive as I needed to be to get a spot on Team USA, I pulled out of Nationals.  For me to spend over $1000 for flights, hotels, bike travel, etc, it wasn't worth me getting my butt handed to me by the best in the country.  I had a chance to make the team in the Sprint division but I made the fiscal decision to not chance it.

When last season finished, I knew this was what my goal was.  I even thought about printing out a picture of the Team USA logo and putting it on my bike so every workout I had I knew I had to push myself.  I wanted every workout structure to get me better, stronger, and faster.  But I fell into a bad rut this year and didn't do that.

My decision was the right decision, but that still doesn't mean it makes it any less painful.  When I see friends of mine traveling to Milwaukee this weekend to race, I am definitely jealous and wish I could be there. I wish I would be in better shape to compete with the best in the country.  But right now, I am not.  That will change next year, as I vow to get back to Nationals and vow to make the team and represent USA the following year.

This is my fault and my fault alone.  I was the one who didn't put the work in, who didn't push themselves harder, who didn't work on my swim to get better.  I am the only one who I can blame.  But I know that since I did this, I can learn from it and that is exactly what I intend to do.

For everyone who is competing this weekend, good luck.  It will be a very hard weekend for me knowing that you are out there with the best of the best.  But be afraid, be very afraid, I'll be there next year with you.